The Crazies

The world is going to shit, and that was before the coronavirus. Now we’re in a world where entire countries are quarantining themselves, Real Madrid are all self-isolating, while Donald Trump tries hard to sit and read a statement to camera but fails to do even that properly. Meanwhile in the UK we’re not banning events where people can meet and spread the disease but we are buying toilet paper in such quantities that by now there must be households where entire rooms are bulging with the stuff.

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Though I can see why people are stockpiling toilet roll. In the event of a real genuine breakdown of civilisation what’s the point of looking all cool, moody and hard like Norman Reedus if you smell like shite because you can’t wipe your arse properly.

And now today hordes of London-based hacks are going insane not over Boris Johnson’s inept handling of the crisis (where we should be shitting down for a week at least)  because Nicola Sturgeon is giving early, clear warnings of what is happening. We live in the time of the Crazies where sanity has been replaced by a barely restrained hysteria and one might ask why am I not panicking as after all, I’m one of the coronavirus’s target audience seeing as my immune system is fucked after the cancer, stroke, etc, etc…

I’m not in a panic because after flirting with death you get used to living with it in the same way you get used to an unwelcome visitor shitting on your couch. The fact is you put your faith in the NHS to do what they can do, and if they can’t well, at least I don’t have to see people panic over whether their arse will be clean enough in the apocalypse.