UKIP voters fight for the right to bum dogs

In a YouGov poll a quarter of UKIP voters support the idea of having sex with a dog. I’ll let you digest that for a second.

SNP and Lib Dems are the least inclined to look at an Alsation and think ‘hmm, sexy’. UKIP voters are the most likely to look at a pug and think ‘I want that slobbering on my hard Brexit’. Tory voters are only slightly less turned on by a Great Dane than a UKIP voter while overall a quarter of voters would like to lay into a Labrador which is terrifying. Next time you go to vote, have a look at everyone else there as a quarter of them would like to indulge in bestiality.

I guess they’ve gone to the dogs…

Theresa May fights the War on Easter

UK Prime Minister Theresa May has taken her time out of her busy trip selling arms to Saudi Arabia to comment on the frankly astonishing story that the National Trust have axed the word ”Easter” from their annual egg hunt. Disgraceful you may say. ”Islamisation” you may drool. It’d certainly at least be odd.

If it was real of course. It isn’t.

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On Cadbury’s website the word ‘Easter’ is everywhere. The campaign people are being offended by is just part of a larger campaign and anyone spending more than a second looking into this would find this out.

Now Theresa May could have said ‘no comment’. She could have laughed it off. She could have said ”I’ll look into it” and find out the truth. No, she said;

“I’m not just a vicar’s daughter, I’m a member of the National Trust as well,” she told ITV during a visit to Amman, Jordan. “I think the stance they have taken is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t know what they are thinking about frankly.”

This is the Prime Minister getting outraged about a non-story in a country where human rights abuse are insanely numerous. This frankly is insane. She’s in a country where if you tried to celebrate Easter you’d be imprisoned or worse and she’s jumped blindly onto a argument generated by far right commentators who’d get offended at anything.

Consider this; if May jumps blindly into this fairly trivial piece of bullshit, imagine what else she blindly jumps into without thinking?

I hate April Fools Day

I hate April Fools Day. It’s an excuse for companies to release things which are clearly just marketing like this…

Stuff like that is just smug bullshit but all it is, is marketing. Nothing more. Then there’s newspapers doing ‘funny’ stories which frankly, in the era of Brexit and Donald Trump is hard to distinguish from ‘normal news’.

Stuff like this classic BBC prank seems a relic today. It’s silly. It’s fun. There’s a skill in how it was made and it’s played straight without any ironic winks at the camera from Jonathan Dimbleby.

Or there’s this jolity from Grandstand, the BBC’s Saturday afternoon sport programme which ruled the airwaves for decades.

That was then. Now it’s just people trying to sell you stuff or unfunny crap which was dreamed up over an evening’s line of coke at the members club.

Or it could be I’ve grown old and cynical. I dunno…

The dead places of Glasgow fascinate me

Glasgow has the third oldest underground network in the world.The subway has been around since 1896, and is nicknamed ‘the Clockwork Orange’ due to the fact the line goes in a simple circle on subway maps and the trains are bright orange. I’ve recently returned to Glasgow after 28 years away and the subway still smells and sounds as it did when I was a child, but like any underground network it’s shrouded in ghosts.

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Descending into the subway is like any other in the world. You enter a subterranean world where the world above melts into a world where it seems Morlocks could lurk round every corner as the world above vanishes behind you.

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Once underground you enter a world of smells and sounds like any other.

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The subway in places links up with Glasgow’s railway system, some of which is also underground, and is also, very, very old. Some stations over the years have died leaving only their grafftii-strewn corpses to be hidden by darkness and twilight, not to mention nature reclaiming what was once hers.

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One of those stations is the Botanic Gardens. As a kid I used to explore it with the bravery only children can have in delving into places which you shouldn’t.

These places are haunted by the past, and hounded by the present. They exist as shadows of time lost with only a sign to remind people what lurks nearby.

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Dead places fascinate me. They make me think of what people did in them then before being reclaimed. They make me wonder what might happen to the world if we let nature reclaim everything as opposed to the odd station and building here and there. It fascinates me just how quickly dead buildings are reclaimed.

These places are haunted, not by ghosts of the scary kind but by ghosts of our imagination. I adore these places but even so, they’re not for the faint-hearted…

At this time of strife, we can all agree Piers Morgan is a cock

Donald Trump in the White House. A hard Brexit coming. The rise of the far right across Europe. We are truly in hard days as we wade our way through a variety of bastards and pricks, but step forth Piers Morgan, the biggest prick of them all to proclaim himself as the man who will stand up for racist, bigots and the sort of people that would paint swastikas on doors for a laugh.

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To be fair it isn’t a revelation that Piers Morgan is a cock. Those of us who have had to see the wee shite on British media for years realised it the moment he opened his mouth or hacked his first phone. However this new phase of arseholery is about him being at the centre of attention as Donald Trump’s familiar.This is the man who tells people to ‘get over it’ and then spends days whining about Ewan McGregor refusing to appear on TV with him, or indeed, anyone who’s managed to get through his paper-thin skin just as comedian Jim Jeffries did.

So as we enter the dark times remember that what unites us all is that Piers Morgan is someone who is the biggest cock you’ll ever see in your life. That will keep us all warm as the lights go out across the world…

Yes, we have no Brexit Bananas

Last night’s Question Time featured an answer from a member of the public even more stupefyingly stupid and inane than usual. Be warned; this is Olympic standard fuckwittery…

Just to go over that again. A woman was going to vote remain in the EU referendum but when she saw evil foreign European bananas she decided to vote to leave for the new opportunities that would see bent bananas galore!

Truth is that 40 years of bullshit about the EU has vomited up a myth about bananas. It is of course, a lie. There’s no regulations to make ‘straight bananas’. There’s rules about standardising them so everyone in the EU buys them at the same standard. That’s it.

So there we go. Someone made a massively important decision based upon a lie and rather than find out the truth, she followed through her stupidity to the ballot box. Depressing isn’t it?

The inauguration of Donald Trump

The 20th January 2017 is the inauguration of Donald Trump as American president. People around the world are depressed as after all, Trump’s very friendly with the ‘alt-right’ (or Neo Nazis to give them their proper name), not to mention the sort of people that’d made Roman Abramovich look skint. Rather than ‘drain the swamp’ it looks like Trump is building his own swamp with people friendly to him, or so desperate for a glimmer of power that they’ll sell their soul for a seat near Trump.

Protestors are in the streets of Washington D.C mingling with Trump supporters which is sparking off some tasty scenes which promise a glimpse of what we may see not just in the US, but around the world for the next four years.However how did we get here? Are people who voted for Trump just extremist bigots and who exactly is responsible for this man being elected?

Truth is we all share some bit of blame. Here’s Ben Goldacre making the point.

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Did you write Trump off as a joke? I did. I shared as many memes mocking him as many others; still do and will do, but Goldacre has a point. We all helped created the culture that spawned Trump, and people like Nigel Farage; his little yapping Lord Haw Haw.

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Yet liberals need to shoulder some blame for letting the debate slip into the hands of the right. Liberals have to break free of echo chambers, listen to concern about working class communities about jobs, and instead of caving into extremists views on immigration and immigrants; make the case for it.

It’ll take a lot of soul searching now the day where Trump’s presidency becomes real, but retreating into echo chambers isn’t the way forward. Protest in ways that’ll be effective, such as the empty spaces confronting Trump when he stepped up to take the oath and become president. For an egomaniac, that’ll hurt.

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So Donald Trump becomes president. It is now down to us to shape how the future goes because if we don’t things will not just get awful for us, it’ll be awful for those people Trump’s made promises he can’t keep and those people need to be guided back from falling for the next demagogue after Trump who’ll promise the unobtainable.

Good luck for all of us over the next four years…