It’s been a week since moving back to Glasgow, and today is the first of my doctor’s appointments as well as a chance to meet my new GP. The idea of sitting around til after the New Year is frankly. making me itchy as I’ve spent far too long working and doing things to just sit around, as nice as it is, and although I realise I need to do a bit of that in order to readjust, deal with the grieving process after the death of my father and hopefully have the slipped disc sorted out or made more tolerable at least. One thing moving in with a friend has helped with is talking about things I’ve not blogged about before, and I’m not going into all of them here but I will discuss the anxiety attacks, stress and even paranoia.
See, they don’t tell you that when they diagnose you with cancer. Sure, you get informed that if you start stressing there’s people to help but for someone like myself who’s been independent as well as used to bottling things up, it isn’t an easy task to admit. Living with the constant possibility of one’s own early, and possibly painful, death, isn’t easy nor is admitting that the independence I’ve cherished for so long isn’t totally over but I find myself reliant upon people in a way I never thought I’d ever have to be.
So there’s times when everything feels needlessly huge. I’m trying to rationalise it but that doesn’t always work, so keeping busy helps distract the old brain from making me worse. While the possibility of a painful death hovers around the stress and anxiety remain like bad smells the day after having a massive curry. Admitting openly like this of the problem and dropping hints of the scale of it is a huge thing for me, and although compared to other people I’m still considering myself lucky, it feels like the world is crushing me.
But this is a first step to, hopefully, better confront all of this and move onto whatever the next stage of life is going to be. I just need to be good and stick to the plan of not working for the rest of 2016 and hope Donald Trump doesn’t blow us all up at the start of 2017, which to be fair, would help with my various issues so everything has a silver lining!